Summing Up… The A to Z of Africa…

Africa has been interesting to say the least…

It has taken four and a half months for me to get through the 25 205 km from Midrand in Gauteng, to Oran in Algeria. It has also taken a drop less than 1 400 litres of fuel, 8 litres of oil and an oil filter (when I had the bike serviced in Nairobi), a set of tyres, one puncture, 2 broken shock absorbers and four spotlight globes to get here. I arrived here relatively unscathed except for a scar on my left calf as a result of that incident with the wall in Addis Ababa. The Big Fella came through with a few scratches and a small dent on the right hand crash bar… By and large, we are both in one healthy piece…!

Algeria, our last stop on the African Continent...

I chose a route through Central and East Africa, that also included traversing the North of Africa, from Egypt to Morocco, something I don’t think a South African on a bike has done before, and had it not been for political difference between Algeria and Morocco that has closed the frontier between them, I would have accomplished just that. I actually saw this last bit as a “short cut” to get to the Southern tip of Europe, without having to ride all the way around, through Turkey, which I intend to spend a few weeks in, later on the tour anyway…

One of the things I will not easily forget about Africa, is the hospitality afforded me by friends and strangers alike, and the great time I had with all those South African ex-pats, who put up with me for longer than some of them expected to…!! In North Africa, I turned down more invites to join complete strangers for tea and a meal, than I can remember, and this was very touching and completely unexpected…

I discovered where Eric Cantona had retired to after a succesful career as a footballer and part-time kung-fu artist...

I will also remember the apparent lawlessness… This is not to say that the countries which I visited have no laws, just the fact that nobody obeys them and very little is done about enforcing them. This is especially true when it comes to traffic control…

I will also remember Africa for the vast amount of litter that lined the streets, roads and rivers, and even the monuments that I had ridden so far to see… The curse of the plastic bag haunts Africa, and more needs to be done about educating the children of this continent, and making rubbish bins available, and refuse removal a habit…

The poverty I encountered in many areas brought a mist to my eyes and made me feel so completely out of place at times, with my big silver bike and flashy gear, but the smiles on these people’s faces, and their complete acceptance of their lot in life confirmed that we can do with a lot less in our own lives and still maintain a happy existence… This was a sobering thought for me, and in a way helped set me free of the material things and a few of the values that I had clung to for so long…

I haven't yet figured the point of this one... Unless of course they memorized which order they were standing in... Although Fatima (2nd from the right) had no such problems and could easily be identified...

In many ways, Africa humbled me… It showed me that I had so much to be thankful for, and brought a new appreciation for the things I had enjoyed in life thus far, and the privileges that I had taken for granted without proper acknowledgement for many years…

My eyes were opened to the beauty of my surroundings (when I was able to take them off the goats, camels, cows, bicycles, trucks, buses, carts, wheelbarrows and people crossing the roads…). The long distances between major towns gave me opportunities to reflect on what I was doing, and examine my personal beliefs, and give thanks for allowing me to live this dream…

And yes, after it all, I must echo the words of Lodie de Jager, who in his book about his own solo trip up through Africa, wrote that after what he had experienced and witnessed, “…there is a God out there…!”

Sometimes, important decisions had to be made quickly...

Despite some of the difficulties I encountered, my character allowed me to see the funny side of things most of the time (although this was severely tested in Egypt!!) and to make fun of myself along with taking the Mickey out of others, in order to get them to relax and feel more at ease with me…

And speaking of taking the Mickey…

I remember reading a humourous alphabetical guide to travel on our continent, and I thought I’d use some excerpts from it, along with my own experiences to date, to remind me why I love the place, and will always call it my home…

Herewith my “tongue in cheek” version of what our Continent is all about

A is for Anopheles, a murderous little insect, who drinks your blood and thanks you for it by leaving you with Malaria. It also stands for Adoption, which gives African orphans the chance to be exposed to a life of isolation and discord in 1st world countries… Also for Amputees… Thanks to the landmine, Africa will always be well represented at the Paralympics…

Egyptian males consider this to mean "Breasts Ahead", and usually accelerate to try and get there first...

B is for Beer, a liquid asset that is used everywhere for Bartering and Bribing, both of which you will need to do very often… Also for Borders, the crossing of which often involves groveling for the privilege of bringing foreign currency into an impoverished country… And Breasts, things that Southern and Central African women have no qualms about exposing, while those in North Africa pretend not to have…

C is for Chickens, Cashews, Cassava and Camels, a temperamental beast that will just as soon bite you as let you climb onto its back… It is safe to eat anything starting with a C, except for Children, who are full of bones… Also for Colonialism, a superb system that gave many Africans the chance to learn Portuguese, French and English at no cost… Also for Coconuts, a thug of a fruit that launches surprise attacks from above with painful consequences… Also for Corruption, a system without which governments will collapse and their countries go to wrack and ruin…

D is for Darkies. Africa is full of them, and white supremists are advised to take their holidays elsewhere…Like Finland or Norway… Also for Deportation, a useful way of getting home when your money runs out… And for Deserts, which due to our continued deforestation, will be coming to a place near you in the very near future…

E is for Egyptians, a nation of bum-pinching touts and con-men, who make a visit to their country an exercise in patience and self-control. Also for Elephants, a large animal that is kept alive to provide salaries for endangered white people employed by the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species. Also for Ebola, a delightful virus that puts a damper on your holiday by leaving you bleeding from every orifice…

Huts and Hurricanes... A bad combination...

F is for Fish, Faeces and Fornication, of which there is a huge abundance in Africa, although Fish sometimes comes with fewer consequences…

G is for Goats, and if you haven’t knocked one down yet, patience, my friends……your time will come… Goat often masquerades as mutton on a menu, but small chips of bone will give it away every time… Also unofficial currency in every country you pass through, but very difficult to fold up and slip into your wallet… Also for Ganja, (sometimes known as Mountain Cabbage) a potent homegrown tobacco, found growing side by side with vegetables, as well as in hotel flower pots.

H is for Huts, a very popular form of Housing, that comes out well in photos but less so in Hurricanes. Also for Hitch-Hiking, a method of travel that involves standing on the side of the road until your visa expires. Also for Haggling, a way of supporting local craftsman and farmers while simultaneously destroying race relations.

I is for Instinct, to be used when an Egyptian offers to do you a favour or insists that his is the “best price”… Also for Insects… Africa is crawling with them, often found between the sheets of a bed in most off-the-beaten-track hotels…

Egyptians and Libyans alike see this as a sign that red cars should never overtake black ones...

J is for Jungle Fever, a syndrome that causes unattractive European women to seek out the services of young and equally unattractive African men, for the duration of their holiday.

K is for Kalashnikov, the Russian genius whose invention, the AK-47, has gone a long way to bringing peace and stability to the continent…

L is for Laziness, an affliction that has struck Arabs and Africans alike, causing them to fall down in the nearest patch of shade and remain there until sunset… Also for Lack, a word often used as part of a phrase, such as “Lack of funds” and “Lack of interest”… Also Laws, which are to be completely ignored if you want to “fit in” and not attract attention to yourself, or keep your bike in one piece…

M is for Markets, places of trade that serve as China’s entry point to Africa, and your wallet’s departure point… Also for Morphine, a medicinal herb from the Morph bush, that dulls the pain of a severed limb, while enhancing full moons and sunsets…

N is for No, a word usually accompanied by “thank you”, or a sharp blow to the kidneys, depending on the Egyptian touts persistence… Also for Narcotics, mostly under the control of and associated with Nigerians…

Jeremiah never saw the need to make two trips when one would suffice...

The term "7-Up" was given a whole new meaning... And let's see........ No, he is NOT using Ohlin's Shocks...!!

O is for Off-road, a useful way of getting from point A to point B by using endangered species for traction. Also Overloading, a term most African have yet to come to terms with. Also for Organ donation… This, if done voluntarily, can pay for boat trips to Offshore Islands… Always preferable to use others peoples organs though… And Ohlin’s… Shock absorbers that can’t take the punch…

P is for Police, who are never around when you need them, but always available to fleece you at roadside “checkpoints”… Also for Politicians, the scourge of the Continent, and Pox, something you wish on all Politicians…

Q is for Queue, a western invention rejected by all indigenous populations on the continent.

R is for Rebels, Riots and Revolution, a lot of fun if you support the right side, wear the right t-shirt and wave the right flag… Also for Roads, a term used euphemistically for a dirt track that leads into areas where you would be best advised to use transport that did not belong to you…

I had no idea which party I was supporting, so grabbed a red flag to go with the yellow one the Big Fella sported... Covering all bases...

In Africa, waiting for your meal to arrive can have some serious consequences...

S is for Sunburn, nature’s way of reminding visiting Europeans and Americans that they are not Africans. Also for Sunsets and Sunrises (See Morphine and Ganja) and best appreciated with a beer in hand…yes, even the Sunrises…

T is for Tipping. After ordering a meal, and if paramedics have not yet arrived to treat you for malnutrition, it is courteous for you to give your waiter something. The Tip of your shoe in the crack of his backside would be considered a good Tip. Also for Time and Toilets, neither of which should be taken for granted…

U is for Umbrella, a British invention that is used to protect you from sun and rain alike, as well as from any curio sellers, intent on foisting their wares off on you. Also for Ululating, a sound made by rapidly vibrating your tongue against the roof of a Swedish girl’s mouth…

V is for Vasco, a Portuguese chef who introduced flame grilled chicken to parts of Africa. Also for Venereal Disease, available cheaply at any given truck stop…

W is for Weapons. No need to bring one from home, Africa is full of them. Also for Washing, an exercise many seem allergic to…

X is for Xylophone, a harmonious traditional instrument that makes a flat lifeless sound the moment after you pay for it.

Y is for Y the hell am I suffocating in the middle of this godforsaken hellhole, when I could be home eating takeaways and watching the Discovery Channel…

Z is for Zirconia.  Deal of a lifetime “diamonds” that were meant to impress your girlfriend, but instead left you with a black eye and a ruined reputation…

****

And now as I turn my attention to Europe, and leave Africa behind me, I must say,

“Sehlane Gashle Africa…!! Sehlane Gashle!!” (Stay well Africa…!!)

See you again in 2012…

A pensive Gypsy Biker bids his home continent farewell as the ferry slips it's moorings and heads out into the Mediterranean...

©GBWT 2010